Fifth and Final Penpal Letter

Dear Diary,

It has now been 12 days since my first letter to my new penpal, Barack Obama. I’m very disappointed to report that I’ve had no reply from him at all. Not even a postcard. I’ll be honest – I really expected more. At least when I was penpals with Kylie Minogue she, or more often a member of her legal team, would respond extremely promptly. Those solicitors were nothing if not efficient. Read more »

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War’s Big Secret

Dear Diary,

I’ve been in two minds about whether to write this down, just in case anyone else reads it. War has sworn me to total secrecy, and although he’s a big softie deep down, he’s threatened to amputate my legs if I so much as breathe a word of it to anyone else. He had that look in his eye at the time, too. The one that says “I’m going to amputate your legs”. So I’m inclined to believe him. Read more »

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Whoops! Fourth Penpal Letter

Dear Diary,

Christ! Panic stations! Just re-read a copy of the letter I posted off to my penpal, US President Barack Obama this morning, and realised that I have made a major boo-boo. I signed my real name at the bottom of the letter! If War finds out he’ll kill me, especially after what happened last night (more on which later). Read more »

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Third Penpal Letter

Dear Diary,

Still no word back from US President Barack Obama. I’d have thought he would have replied to at least one of my previous letters by now. I’ll be honest, I’m getting a little impatient. I sent off the letter below to him this morning in the hope if gees him up a bit. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever! Read more »

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Pangs of guilt

Dear Diary,

Managed to follow War last night and discovered what he’s up to. I feel dead bad about it now.

More later.

Your friend,

Pestilence

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General catch-up

Dear Diary,

Well, we watched the Rambo movie I got for War last night, and it was just an unpleasant experience from start to finish. Blood, guts, screaming, someone sewing himself up with a hot needle – everything I try to avoid in a film. To be fair, though, War did watch Grease 2 with me, and that’s not his cup of tea either, so it was only right I repayed the favour.

Never again, though. Never again. I’m still retching just thinking about it. Read more »

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Second Penpal Letter

Dear Diary,

I haven’t yet received a reply to my last letter to US President Barack Obama. Originally I planned to move on to a second potential penpal if the first choice candidate didn’t respond, but I’m not about to give up so easily! I’ve written a second letter to Barack today, in the hope his lack of response is just down to some sort of admin error or something. Read more »

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Rash update – Day 19

Dear Diary,

There hasn’t been much to report in terms of rash activity (by which I mean activity of my rash, not activity that is spontaneous and ill-judged) so I haven’t been mentioning it. You know me, I don’t like to complain. Read more »

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Nothing’s Ever Simple

Dear Diary,

Last night War and I popped into Blockbuster video to rent a DVD. Death had a little fold-up DVD player with built in screen, but he never let us use it. He left it behind when he went, though, so we thought a spot of movie-watching would be a nice way to pass the time. Read more »

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First penpal letter

Listening to: Famine farting the theme to the Muppets Mood: Exasperated

Dear Diary,

Well, it couldn’t last. After our fun night earlier in the week things have quickly slipped back into the way they always are, with War growling, Famine eating, and everyone bickering with everyone else. I knew us actually enjoying one another’s company was too good to last. Read more »

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